Ok, I’m about to get personal…if you don’t wanna hear it, skip ahead.
Today, for the second time in 3 days (aka since I’ve been back in NYC), I’ve broken down and cried my eyes out. I’ve tried to ignore it – tried to pretend it’s just homesickness, or the weather, or hormones, or some combination of all these things…whatever. The fact is: I’m sick of being miserable and pretending I’m not. Unfortunately, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am usually pretty good at identifying the issue and working past it, but I can’t seem to do that. I know it relates to the crappy weather and my inability to live the lifestyle I want to live, but beyond that…no idea. How can I fix something if I don’t even know the root of the problem?
Well anyways, I just wanted to get that off my chest…so that’s what I’m working on as of late.
Speaking of work…
Lovely lunchables: DOS apples, Strawberry Pomegranate Odwalla bar (thanks Santa!), Blueberry Crisp Clif bar, ensalada massivo, pretzel/raisin mix, home-made toffee fudge (thanks to my fave neighbs back in CA!).
Yeahhhhh, that’s a big boy. On top of the biggest fist of spinach ever sat steamed carrots, butternut squash, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, and raisins. Seriously. BIGGEST salad EVAH!
Let me tell you the story about the home-made toffee. It’s actually pretty fantastico. Growing up, my neighb down the street has always made our family batch(es) of toffee fudge for Christmas. Every year. Without fail. And I’ve always been a HUGE fan of her nut-less variety. She caught on to this little obsession and ever since has been FAR too kind in feeding my addiction. In fact for the past few years I’ve been getting my very own nut-free toffee (ALL TO MEEEEE) – separate from my family’s (significantly smaller) portion WITH nuts. I’m so spoiled ;) Being the total sweetheart she is, she didn’t forget about me this year! She actually wrote “Elise and family” on the tag, but my parents didn’t dare touch MY toffee until I got home to claim it.
The other highlight of my lunch was my new Contigo mug. I’m in love! No leakage whatsoever. That and my Starbucks Via packets are going to save some big time $$.
Dinner wasn’t revolutionary, but it got the job done.
Spinach, seitan, shroomies, carrots, brocc, and (what else) hummus.
After this beast settled in my tum, I set to work on a bag of pretz.
It was an embarrassingly quick demise.
The poor bag didn’t even see it coming…to be honest, neither did I.
After a bit more fudgy toffee and tea I was ready for zzzzzz.
I’m going to try extra hard tomorrow to focus on all the great things about the cold weather here in NY. Feel free to offer suggestions.
Hi there, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling down. You hide it well on your blog! Do you think it’s a touch of the old SAD? Or working such long hours? I feel like I have no life when I’m doing lots of shifts (also nursing). What kind of lifestyle would you like to pursue?
Hope you feel better soon xxx
I’m sure it is the weather. I haven’t been able to walk my dog in 2 weeks and it makes me sad 🙁 I know if I lived away from my family I would probably cry as well. Just know that this state of mind will pass. It always does.
As far as the weather goes I know it blows. I live in Indiana not Florida so I feel for you 🙂
On a positive note that toffee is making me drool!
Im going thru something similar too.. the best thing that ive been able to do is not let it get to me and keep up with eating right and excerise and I know it sounds strange but even if you just go for a walk around the block -it helps
email me if you need to talk!
We are all in this together!
Hang in there, we’ve all been there, as I’m sure you will hear a lot on your comments to this post.
Maybe a change is in order? Although that is the hardest thing too.
Keep your chin up–and hey, where the heck are all the apples?!!? You can’t tell me you ONLY had two!? 😉
Aww I’m sorry about your little meltdown, it gets hard in this frigid weather. You know what would make it better? Grabbing a bite to eat at Peacefood next week:) If you’re around I’d love to meet up some time!
Hey girl – love the blog, as always.
Not trying to be judgmental at all, but I had a friend who spent months crying for no reason and was later diagnosed with depression. I’m not saying that that’s the issue here, but I just wanted to remind you that it’s completely okay to reach out for help!
And remember- In the end, everything works itself out. So if it’s not worked out, it’s not the end!
Aww Elise, I am so sorry! I am sending you huge hugs… but I’m not sure it they’ll help. You deserve so much happiness in this world, because you are an AMAZING girl. It makes ME extremely sad to know that YOU are sad, because you only deserve the best. Your blog inspires so many, and from reading about your life and job, you obviously inspire so many in your real life too.
I’m sure this ugly, cold weather lately hasn’t been helping.
You’ll probably get a million other offers/comments (because you have so many friends/followers–see how wonderful you are? So many people can see it!), but I’m always here through email to talk.
Love,
Katie
Hey girl I hope things get better for you. Maybe you are tired from all of your long shifts etc or you want to see your fam more?
Here are some good things about NYC:
1. Great city with tons of diversity and everything you can imagine
2. Tons of great restaurants
3. You don’t need a car because you can just walk and take the subway
4. Beautiful seasons
Hi Elise
I have been reading for a while and never commented. I know how you feel about the weather. I grew up in California and moved to Chicago 6 years ago. It just seems like life stops when it gets so cold. The way things got better for me is when I decided to buy some BRIGHT PINK snow pants and go out in the snow! LOL! People think I am crazy but, I don’t care where I wear them to and I go sledding and dog walking and try to stay normal (abnormal 🙂 ). It helps that I have a 4 year old who needs the exercise and forces me outside.
hey girl 🙂 first things first.
::HUG::
second thing. maybe you’re just bored right now? like if you’re just working and things are kind of flat lined in the city and you just got home from a fun time in cali then that will def have a damper on your mood. i know whenever i get bored for like longer periods of time i get in a funk. spice it up! do something fun and different on the weekends? lucky strikes or chelsea piers? or avatar?
we need a date soon. we’ll roam the city 🙂 let me know when you’re freeee
Awww….I am SO sorry you are feeling down. It is hard, isn’t it? When I got back from visiting family over the holidays I was really weepy for a few days too (I actually still kind of am almost a full 2 weeks later). Sometimes just crying and letting it out helps, though. At least for me. It seems to trigger some sort of a release or something. At first I tried to just ignore it and fight the tears, but actually crying and letting it out is kind of cathartic, even if I don’t know WHAT I am actually upset about (as strange as that sounds…). So good for you for letting it out! If you ever want to e-mail me and talk more, I am there!
Hang in there 🙂
Courtney
Aw, muffin, don’t be sad! I understand how unsettling it can be to be so upset and not have a cause for your unrest. Just trust that you’ll know in good time and sometimes you’ve got to feel worse before you feel better. Until then, squeeze your beloved close, savor the aroma of a big coffee, and know you’ve got lots of support and good wishes coming from me across town!
Feel better! I’m blaming the weather here too :/ Arctic blasts. I am frustrated as well living at home (still) not in a state I like and can’t buy a date and not real sure how to meet someone. I think anytime we’re frustrated with where we are it’s upsetting. People always says just pick yourself up and MAKE the change you want to see, but I think often finding a plan is hard. I honestly don’t know how to fix what I’m bothered about (If I did I doubt it would be bothering me)… Feel better and hopefully you find a plan that gets you where you want to be.
I’m so sorry you are down. It really does happen to all of us from time to time. I imagine with the stress of your job, the weather and the letdown after the holidays, it’s kind of the perfect storm.
From a physiological standpoint, you might want to look into taking some extra vit. D. It may just be a seasonal affective disorder scenario.
On a personal level, make time to do the things that you know make you happy…even if it means taking a day or two off of blogging and rewatching GLEE in your underwear with a tub of hummus.
I’ll be praying for you, sweetie!
How can I fix something if I don’t even know the root of the problem?
Now there’s a question I’m been asking myself for years… I WISH I had the answer!!
What’s good about the cold? … um. You get to cuddle up under the covers?! Okay, I need to come up with better reasons. Check back.
<3 <3
Oh I am so sorry you have the winter blues 🙁 I also found while I was in the middle of wedding planning, working, hormone time that I was known to just cry. Ask Geoff, it wasn’t pretty. Every day it was something I couldn’t put my finger on. Find a good book, go walk through the Met, maybe something to just focus on you! I also suggest going out to a restaurant that makes you think spring / summer. I recommend Son Cubano on West 14th. http://www.soncubanonyc.com/. It will have you thinking warm weather in a heartbeat 🙂
Sorry you’re feeling down in the dumps. Not being able to pinpoint a reason is tough for people like us (control freaks) so I feel you. I hope that things turn around soon 🙁
I agree with Julie – maybe spicing up your life a little bit will help? I know in the winter all I want to do is hibernate because the weather is horrid. Forcing myself to go out and be social helps lift my moods a little bit.
Not being able to figure out what’s making you feel crummy is the worst! I’ll be sending positive energy your way in hope it either goes away on its own or that you figure it out soon 🙂
ha hope you can enjoy the cold- it is pretty cold here too!! love your eats 🙂
xoxo
shelley
http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com
Seasonal effective disorder is very common, especially this time of year with the added stress of the holidays. It sounds like this is what’s got you in a funk, but I could be wrong. I’d talk to your doc! The important thing to remember though is that this is not you…you are fun, vibrant, energetic, and positive. How you are feeling right now is not reflective of the Elise we all know and love. It’s scary to not feel like yourself and even scarier to talk about it, but you are so brave! I know you will pull through this rough patch and I’m keeping you in my thoughts chica.
<3 Suz
It’s really hard being stuck in a place when you know it’s not where you are supposed to be. You are doing an UHHHMAZING job working thru it girl, keep going and before you know it things will begin to change!
i always used to joke about how winter turned me into a mean, crazy lady, but after i moved to california from NJ three years ago i know for SURE that i have seasonal depression…not that a diagnosis necessarily helps when you are still having to deal with the cold, freezing weather, but sometimes it does make a difference when you recognize that something about the dark and cold switches an icky switch in your brain!!
i know you are crazy busy, but i would try to find time to do little things that you know make you happy so that the feelings of UUGH can be interspersed with feelings of relaxation. seriously tho, i totally feel for you!!!!!
I live in MN where it has been -40 windchill for what seems like the past month….we have 3-4 ft of snow and I am sick of it, too! I just have to keep reminding myself of how much I want the snow when it’s mid-August and I am sweating myself to pieces.
Cheer up! Hang in there! I hope things take a turn for the better and you can find some peace and joy in your life! You inspire me (and the people you care for at work, in your life) to no end!!!
Found this on Glamour.com
http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/blogs/vitamin-g/2010/01/the-feel-happier-instantly-tri.html
I’m glad you are being open about what’s going on. I think this weather has an effect on everyone’s mood- my energy levels have dropped and everything is just nasty when it’s so cold outside. Maybe it would help to plan things to look forward to? Not too far off, but little things you can schedule in…catching up with a friend for coffee, Whole Foods date with Kyle, treating yourself to a warm scarf/glove set 🙂
i am so sorry love-the weather def affects my moods. thank you for being so honest..lots of prayers your way!
Elise! I am so sorry about the poopy feeling! I know that whenever I go home to my parents’ casa, I’m the happiest, most relaxed little bug in the whole word. Whenever I return to school, though, I’m miserable for the first few days. I know how much you love the Bay and how much you love being around your fam, so maybe in a couple days this underlying feeling of general “miss” and “separation” will go away. I’m completely speculating, though.
Anyway, having just left NYC I miss being able to walk on any street and find something that fascinates me. Normally, it’s something I can eat. I miss the buzz of the city. Now all I have is one main street in Athens and cold, lonely walks to and from my house. The city kept me company. Enjoy it while you can…before we move back to SF 🙂 xoxoxoxoxxoo
This summer. when I was feeling overwhelmed (hated my “job” and wanted a “real” one, $$ issues, etc.) I had this tight feeling in my chest almost all the time and the littlest thing (unfortunately for Ari) would set me off on a sobfest. Maybe it’s stress? Holiday letdown? Wedding planning anxiety?
Anyway, I’m always here if you need a crying buddy or a cookie date partner.
Call me. Besos mi amor.
Big hugs from here. Thank you for sharing with us so we can at least send you a virtual “Hang in there” kitty poster!
I don’t think I could get through your job in a day without having a meltdown, if it makes you feel any better. And we’re all going through a bit of the post-holiday blues.
I hope you can have a good cry and move on. Maybe you need a little Vitamin D. I hope Spring brings more smiles.
aw sweetie. I am notorious for smiling my way through life and pretending everything is okay when I know deep down it’s not. It’s SO important to release those emotions and get them out of your head and in to the open – even if you can’t really define what you’re feeling.. getting those emotions out there will help tremendously. Fortunately, I have a therapist who gets to hear my whine-fest.. so if you need me to be your personal therapist PLEASE never hesitate to contact me. I’m ALWAYS here for you if you need to talk/vent/etc. k?? smile for me! xoxo
p.s. check your email boo bear 🙂
Hi Elise! I’m delurking here because I just wanted to say I love your site =] You personality and lifestyle make your blog a joy to read- I always look forward to new posts!
Anyways, just wanted to give you a little support from a rare commenter, but constant supporter/reader! I hope you take time to give yourself all the care you need! 🙂
Elise, i am soooo sorry you’re struggling. I love you, I just linked back in a blog post to you as a thank you for the adorable card you sent me of you and your fam 🙂
That said, I think that as women especially, but as people, we’ve all been where you are. This nebulous, intangible, something is wrong but i dont know what it is, feeling. And for me, it usually is so layered and deep, and hard to pinpoint, that sometimes I never figure out “what was wrong with me in Winter 2010” rather by Spring 2010 I am feeling much better and just roll with that. I know that is absolutely no consolation…but this too shall pass. Ok that sounds cold. I dont mean it that way, at all!!!!
Things that could possibly be at play: the stress of the wedding, the stress of actually becoming a wife, the stress of a possibly job/city/life/marital status changes(s) which all will likely hit in the next 6 mos. You are scared of the looming big-ness on the horizon….and who wouldn’t be. And it’s manifesting in this shaken up feeling.
Ok that’s my 6 mos away from my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy armchair QB assessment.
Write if you need to vent, I am here 🙂
I”m sorry you’re feeling so down Elise! I hope you can figure it out. If you need someone to vent to, I’m here for you girlie. ~~~BIG HUGS~~~
Hey Elise, I read your blog regularly. We are about the same age and I think this is a difficult age/time – more so than you realize it’s going to be when you graduate college. Just wanted to say hi and thanks for your great attitude, and your honesty. It’s tough to say something like that to the whole internet. Hang in there.
Hang in there, hun!!! I can relate.. after the holidays I was feelin crap-ola as well. I had such an awesome time with my family then it was separation time for another 5-6 months.
Im sure this awfu,l nasty, cold freaking weather (times 100 where you are!) isnt helping either!
If I were you I would go out and enjoy NYC as much as possible (esp all the amazing restaurants).. take pics, show us then we can all be jealous! lol
HUGS 🙂
Hey Elise! I’m delurking for your confession. This whole past semester I felt the same way. I know it’s not as easy/possible with working and real life past college, but taking a break (like escaping for the weekend) just really helped me. Maybe you can take a couple sick days and get away somewhere by yourself to regroup? I’m sure the RIDICULOUSLY frigid temps and never ending snow we keep getting in the Northeast isn’t helping either :0( I hope you feel better soon!
Hope ya feel better!
Fudge looks great!
Jenna
Delurking here Elise. I read your blog everyday and admire your upbeat personality. Once winter passes, you will feel much better! Hugs to you!
Lika
Hi Elise,
I’m sorry you’re having such hard days. I think it’s real brave of you to confess.
I myself had many of those last month and I got so frustrated over the fact that I am frustrated over nothing! Eventually it will blow over and you’ll get back on your feet. Take a deep breath and try doing some gentle yoga. It helped me a lot!
Ugh, I am so sorry to hear that you’re not feeling very cheerful these days. I hope you figure out the cause soon, and know that we’re all here for you!
Frosty happy-hugs from Norway!
<3
Hello Hippie,
I’m crawling out of the wood work to leave a comment even though I prefer to be a silent reader (busted, I’m a closet fan!). I feel your pain about being miserable. I’m in a similar situation where I’m “stuck” in a place I don’t want to be. Like you, I’m not a cold weather girl AT ALL (my heart is in San Diego!), but I have a good job in Washington, DC. A year ago, I lost the love of my life to a brain tumor. Since then, my social life has been non-existent as I’m finding most people in the DC area are so materialistic and just plain suck (sorry DC, that’s just my opinion!). Despite the fact that I make an okay salary, my job in H.R. is unfulfilling and the only thing it challenges is my patience. I know in my heart, I’m not being true to myself by living in a place where I’m unhappy and continuing to stay at a job I’m not passionate about. At the same time, I’m not sure how to move in a better, happier direction. Sometimes half the battle is realizing “hey, this is not working for me anymore!” and I’m finally at that point. You seem like a really smart girl and you will get there too. After all, life is way too short to be miserable, right? Best of luck to you!
Ugh, homesickness is da worst! But at least that is why you got K-dawg by your side to comfort you through a football championship full of Confederates and yo missing of SF! I have a plan. You are coming to run da SF half marathon July 25th, because I am running the SF half marathon July 25th, and we can go eat some bossy a$$ hummus and bask in the glorious sunshine. WAIT, what day are you getting married?!!?! With my new hotta$$ planner Pearl bought me, I gotta schedule time in to CRASH YO WEDDING aka: lounge at the open bar with a recyclable plastic cup. WoOpWoOp! LOVE YOU MAMI
Elise, I’m so sorry to hear about you being upset right now. Sounds like the root of the problem COULD be that you aren’t “living the lifestyle you want” right now. I mean that’s a lot of things, but bottom line, it’s your life day in and day out. I hope you find some solutions to make you happier this weekend, I hate to see a fellow blogger in distress!
Feel better 🙂
Hi Elise,
I’m a bit late with my reply, but I’ve been wanting to say something since I read this entry. Not to make this about me, but I’ve been “suffering” (quotes b/c suffering seems like too strong of a word) from a mild case of the blues. Today I listened to a podcast (Underground Wellness) about “the mood cure” (http://www.moodcure.com/)
One of the natural remedies that Julia Ross (the author) recommends is taking amino acid pills like 5-HTP which naturally increases the serotonin in our brains. I think something like that will increase your mood until the sun comes out and the temperature is increased. I’m usually wary of natural health claims (and conventional health claims too), but amino acids supplementation doesn’t sound too kooky, doesn’t have many side effects and is relatively inexpensive to try. She also recommends eating more protein (specifically animal protein) b/c of the complete amino acids in them, but I’m sure that as a vegan you can get your complete protein elsewhere. Of course getting enough rest, vitamin D, doing things you love, etc will also improve your mood.
Best wishes with love!
One more thing … if you’re interested in any supplements, I would recommend going to http://www.vitacost.com. They have a $5 flat shipping fee and they have relatively low prices (among the lowest).
Elise–hope all is well, but dang, I MISS YOUR BLOG!!!
You’re in my thoughts!
My love!
I would love to talk with you more. I’m about to leave for work but I’ll email you. I love you so much and I’m glad you shared 🙂
hey beeb. i love you. i miss you.
i still read every post. apologies
for never commenting anymore.
heres the sitch. i need you in my life.
and i breakdown ALL THE TIME in the
winter. and all the time. but this shit
ass skanky sonofabitch weather really
gets me down. so i think we need to
run away together. to a tropical locale.
but seriously. come spoon hummus into my mouth.
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Hey, I just wanted to get something off my chest too. I’m a student in NYC, and when I read this post, I knew exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve lived my entire life in the mid-Atlantic region, but I only started running when I went to college last year. Because exercise outside has just recently become important to me, I also started to notice how my location truly limits me from living the way I want to. Currently, before heading out for a run, I have to psych myself up, and if I don’t go, I beat myself up. All the obstacles and excuses (cold weather, ice, wind) are symptoms of where I live. I have 2 years left at school, and then I’m moving to SoCal. No, I’ve never lived there, and only visited twice. No, I have no family there. No, I do not hate NYC; quite the contrary. But after reading about your move, I have this feeling that living there will be so much better for me.