So I last left off at week 26.
Phew. It feels like things have changed in a huge and significant way since then, which is odd since it hasn’t really been that long at all.
I guess the most important thing I should note is that we are both still healthy and growing, and everything seems to be as it should.
That said, I’m going to back up a bit. Around week 27, I started noticing I was having pain (similar to menstrual cramping). At first it wasn’t strong or that bad, and I just ignored it (because that’s what I do – yes, I’m a horrible patient, I know this already). The cramps were infrequent and random, sometimes days apart, and not terribly painful, just there in the background. After about the fourth occurrence, Kyle encouraged me to email our OB so I did. He didn’t seem too worried, and asked if I wanted to move up our next appointment date (which I declined because it’s freakin’ impossible to get an appointment that works with both mine and Kyle’s work schedules).
Over the next few days, though, the cramping increased in both intensity and frequency, and I got a little worried. Two days in a row I had pretty painful episodes in the morning and the evening. And for the record, I tried everything to figure out what was causing them – hydration, activity, food, sleep – nothing seemed to impact the timing whatsoever. I ended up calling the after hours number and speaking with the on-call OB. Even though she didn’t think I was having contractions, she still let my OB know, and the next day he called me and asked me to come into the hospital for a non stress test. Here’s the thing, these cramps didn’t resemble (fake) Braxton Hicks or (real) labor contractions at all – I didn’t have any back pain, they were 10 minutes long, completely random, and my uterus wasn’t tight (like a contracting muscle). Weird right? Anyway, after several hours of monitoring on the L&D floor, I was released home. Annoyingly enough, I didn’t have the cramping at all while I was admitted, so whatever was showing up on the monitor wasn’t what I felt when the cramping went on. Baby was looking perfect, my cervix was looking perfect, all the tests and cultures they sent were negative, and things were fine. Who knows. When they sent me home, though, they really wanted me to rest and do nothing. My job is obviously far from that, so I was off for a week…until my next MD appointment.
In the meantime I lounged at home and quite literally took a week off from anything active (I alluded to my restlessness in this post). And yet I still had periodic (and painful) cramping. It’s a mystery.
My doctor’s appointment was on Tuesday and it’s taken me a while to even want to discuss things, but I guess now is the time.
I met with HR yesterday and the paperwork is done. I’m officially on maternity leave. At 32 weeks.
I have a ton of mixed emotions about this. Frustration. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. I’m mostly just annoyed because I didn’t anticipate leaving my job this early in my pregnancy. I consider myself a nurse first and foremost, and while nobody’s job defines them, I have worked hard for my career and it’s a big part of who I am. The other factor that comes into play is how I see myself in terms of coping. I think I’m pretty tough. I wanted to keeping working until the very end (til contractions hit! all I have to do is go down two flights of stairs!). But I’m also responsible for another human life, and I’m not sure how tough he is yet. Am I a bad mom for trying to stick it out? Or is my body (and/or baby) not able to tolerate my 12 hour shifts and trying to tell me so? I feel fragile and I don’t like it. The final issue (which is certainly less important but still weighs on me greatly) is the financial strain this will inevitably cause. I’ve said it a million times, money is just money. We will make it work. Our family’s health is far more important. And deep down I know these things, and believe in them. But it’s still going to suck when my maternity leave ends in 6 weeks and our income is reallllly small.
So as you can see, I have had a lot of things swirling around in my head. I thought about it a lot during my week off. I overanalyzed the crap out of my situation (as I do). And I don’t know what more to say about it.
I don’t have a desk job, I have a job that requires me to be on my feet all day. Correction, on my toes all day. I have to be assessing patients with my entire brain working. There were two codes on our unit during my last shift and I felt like I was going to collapse at several points throughout the day. The cardiac step down is no place for a pregnant person because you can’t eat, drink, pee, or rest when you want (need) to. My husband, my OB, and my nursing manager all came to that realization before I did. Or maybe I was just in denial. Either way, I’ve accepted it now. Thank goodness I have all those supportive people around me though. I’m very lucky to have a boss who completely understands and wants me to be safe and put my health and my baby’s health first.
So there’s the latest.
I was going to post more, but I’m mentally exhausted. I’ll be back with the non-work related pregnancy updates later.
I think it’s time for some prenatal yoga to quiet my mind and calm and center myself.
Your body was trying to tell you something, it’s good you listened and can take some time out before the baby comes. While it might seem a long and unexciting wait, enjoy this quiet time before your new family member turns things upside down :). The money will work out.
You were meant to have some you-time now, enjoy.
Sounds like you and I have a lot in common; I would have felt very similarly! I’m so sorry you are experiencing this, but it will be okay–and taking care of the baby is so important. I hope you can relax and find some peace in the situation. Take care and be well!
I haven’t commented here before but I read your blog and LOVE it. PLUS I’m almost as far along as you are, 31 weeks tomorrow. The reason I wanted to comment is that I’m going through a similar thing. I started having braxton hicks at about 20 weeks. Went on that monitor thing at the hospital at 28 weeks and for me it showed that I was having a TON of braxton hicks. Cervix closed and long and baby as healthy as can be. I had to cut down to 50% work after that which was the hardest thing ever. I was in complete denial and for a long time I couldn’t really talk to my co-workers about it. I was so mad that I was going through this. After I started to open up about the situation, I felt so much better, both physically and mentally. For me, the things is, that even though I’m not on my feet a lot (work as a lawyer) my job is really stressful. Remember that you’re doing this for your baby boy and that these two months that you have left are really nothing in the long run…. So I say bake cookies and enjoy the holidays! Take care!
You definitely did the right thing for you and baby! The 2 of you are the most important at this point. Also, I’m sure you’ve done research on your particular situation, but I used to work in Short Term Disability and FMLA and I remember that CA had the best, pro-employee laws of any state, so you may be able to get more than 6/8 weeks of paid leave. Can’t hurt to look into that if you haven’t already 🙂
Don’t feel bad. You and the baby’s health comes first. As a teacher I was off all summer and it was my third trimester. I felt bad laying around all day after my daily walk. Looking back I’m glad my husband encouraged it because I have no time for myself now. Try to enjoy this time alone. I’m exhausted and tired. especially since I went back to work but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I know it’s not the way you wanted the last 8 weeks to go, but after the baby is born, I bet that you will forget about all of that and just enjoy having your son.
Can you file for short term disability?
I think you are doing the right thing for you and the baby, obviously. I understand the guilt and frustration. It will be worth it. Hopefully you will find some way to keep busy so you don’t think too much about feeling bored and restless.
Elise? I’m sorry that you had to take leave early. You are still tough! But from all I can tell being pregnant is a game changer. Being a nurse is physically challenging work (btw my friend is a post op nurse and she was on bed rest with twins during her pregnancy). I am sure it’s frustrating and a bit confusing but it will all work out. 🙂 You are taking care of yourself and baby now which is exactly where you need to be! Sending lots of encouragement.
I know it stinks now, but like you said, it’s not just about you anymore. Work will be there when things settle down and quite frankly, you have much bigger fish to fry at this point. It’s not being lazy, it’s being responsible and listening to your body–and that precious little boy 😉
As for money, a few less Whole Food meals and more home-cooked goodness you’re known for. Tighten some strings and you know that it all will work out. You have such an amazingly supportive network that things will never get as bad as you think. Hang in there, mama!
Is an internet hug from a stranger ok? If so, consider yourself hugged. What your feeling is TOTALLY normal.
I’m going to tell you my story, because I feel what your going through, and hope it helps.
I had to stop working 6 weeks prior to giving birth, I started bleeding frequently and my blood pressure was not ok. It was awful… I was on my own, working 2 jobs to make as much money while I could, and the thought of not having more income to tie me over the unknown recovery process was terrifying. But it was the first introduction to parenthood… anything you plan/want, half of the time it doesn’t matter.
I planned on a natural, vaginal childbirth, guess what happened? She refused to budge halfway down, after 16 hours of labor I got a sloppy epidural (contractions making it a pain to administer) they tried to extract her, and her blood pressure dropped… fast. After a very dicey 10 minutes, I gave birth. My doctor told me afterwards he had scheduled me in surgery and I was minutes from an emergency c-section. I also wanted to breastfeed, but due to the botched epidural I was having debilitating headaches still 2 weeks after delivery. I had to make the choice, continue in pain (crying newborn, no sleep, cluster headaches and the pressure of new momness, ugh), or take meds and stop breastfeeding. Again, another great plan diverted for the sake of what was best for both of us at that time.
So, I didn’t have a natural childbirth, or get to breastfeed, and I gave up on cloth diapers because it became too much to keep up with on my own, and a million other compromises were made. But… fast forward 5 years. I have an amazing girl that started Kindergarten this year, is already taking reading class with the 1st graders, is happy and healthy, impresses me daily with her love and humor, does an amazing Merida from Brave impersonation and has all kinds of thoughts and opinions of her own and is quite the beautiful, independent human being. Its alllllll gooood.
Now, it seems like every tear filled compromise and sleepless night I experienced (and still do, who am I kidding), wasn’t such a big deal after all. Things constantly happen out of your control, you have to learn to let go more and trust things will work out. Its terrifying, but its been the constant in raising my little one and I’m always having to remind myself of the same thing. Surf the waves and laugh at the ridiculousness of best laid plans, cause in parenting you really experience lifes little cosmic jokes again and again and again. But its totally, 100%, worth it 🙂
(…except when he find the Sharpies when you’re in the shower, then god help you all.)
Elise, I am so sorry you are feeling down about this!
I totally get you about the money. I always say the same thing (it is just money) but it really can be stressful. Try not to stress out too much. Take care of yourself and enjoy this time off! This is a gift in disguise–you will be able to take care of yourself and your little one and enjoy your time being pregnant 🙂
Hang in there!
Courtney
I totally think that your body (and baby) were trying to tell you to SLOOOOOW down – maybe this is your “pregnancy lesson” to learn?
All I can say is, try and enjoy these last few months of quiet rest – once baby comes it doesn’t happen ANY MORE 😉 Seriously, I look back to those last few months and pregnancy, and wish I had really relished them, not just got all antsy & bored & frustrated!
I hope you are feeling better cramp-wise, and yoga is totally a good idea 🙂 That comment above from Christy is AWESOME too – I second what she says – you just gotta go with it and trust your body 🙂
Christy- from the bottom of my heart thank you for sharing your story. This comment was exactly what I needed to hear (and the Internet hug was nice too). 🙂 I’m so excited about motherhood…and that’s all that matters.
I can relate! I took my leave (from FedEx) when I was 36 weeks. It probably should have been much earlier since one of the requirements was the ability to lift & move up to 150 pound boxes and I had lost that ability long before 36 weeks. My boss was great though and put me on short term disability until I delivered (in Sept) and then he put me on maternity leave (unpaid, but I needed the insurance!) until the end of 2011. Even though I didn’t go back to work he was able to finagle a lot. But look at this downtime as a blessing!! My whole entire life changed SO MUCH when I had Lyric. I was really grateful for that last month of real, quality me-time. Go pamper yourself lady!
i’m glad you’ll be able to take some time for you…you deserve it!! just enjoy this time, and don’t stress! i’m glad you’re feeling better!!
*Hugs* It’s hard and frustrating when life ignores our plans. Just give yourself and your belly a hug and know that whatever emotions you are feeling – it’s okay to feel those emotions!
Sorry you’ve had to go on mat leave earlier. It sounds like it’s the best move. And you have loads of extra time to focus on baby now too 🙂
If it’s any consolation, my ward won’t let us work beyond 35 weeks as it’s just too physically demanding. I’m leaving at 34 weeks and I can’t wait. 3 weeks to go, woo woo! We’re really short-staffed at the mo so the workload is ridic and even those who aren’t pregnant are really feeling the strain. xxx
hugs.
When you beautiful baby is born, I am sure of it that you will not think back on the early maternity leave, but rather be so overcome with happiness and love that it won’t matter. In the meantime, enjoy the time that you carry a new life in you. It’s such a wonderful thing! <3
I think you made the best decision for you and your child. I understand what you mean about the strain financially but once your son arrives, nothing else matters. You really do realize that health is everything. Having lost my son at 3 months old to a rare heart condition, at the end of the day, all you want is a healthy baby and everything else will fall into place. Good luck!
Look at it like this, your new job is to grow your baby and make sure he’s healthy. You are also learning that boys are a pain in the tucus from day one Haha It may not come with a paycheck, but the moment you hold him and his little finger clamps onto yours for the first time (I have watched way too many episodes of Friends) you will forget about what you went through right now. Meditate the pain when you are feeling it. Don’t lay around all day. Get up and move about. Don’t worry about finances. Kyle will take care of you. And know that you have a heck of a lot of support around the world. Letting all that worry is festering your baby in a worry womb. Knock it off, my friend. Grow your baby in love and get all ninja hormonal on Kyle when you are feeling frustrated. Cuz its pretty much HIS FAULT that you’re in this shape Haha Sorry, bro! Hang in there, kiddo. All will be well. I am sending you a prayer and a #Wordhug from Chicago!
I can’t speak for the pregnancy part of it, having never done it, but as for the nurse part of it…it’s hard to not be a nurse. I feel kind of the same as you, that being a nurse is a huge part of who I am. It’s hard to get out of that mindset. It’s hard to ignore what you feel like you’re meant to do, but now you have a little boy in there who is politely demanding your attention and your care. It’s time to just take care of yourself so you can be healthy and well to help him along as he continues to grow. Just like you feel that being a nurse is a huge part of you, now THIS is going to be another huge part of you! Which I can tell you’re thrilled about 🙂 Hang in there. Nurses are terrible patients, we’re too type A for our own goods 😉 All of us here in Blog Land are here for you.
I am a social worker in maternal-child health, working in a hospital in the Bay Area. I just wanted to let you know that you should qualify for SDI from the time you go on medical maternity leave until 6-8 weeks post-partum (depending on whether you have a vaginal or a cesarean delivery). The first week is unpaid, unfortunately, but after that, you get about 60% of your salary paid by the State of California. You will likely also qualify for Paid Family Leave for another six weeks after your SDI runs out, although this is also at slightly more than half of your regular salary. New fathers can also take Paid Family Leave if they pay into the system. I hope this is helpful to you.
Aw, Elise, that is scary & frustrating all at once. You’ve been doing all the right things and then to have to take a step back… sucks. I had really really bad pain in the first 3 months of my pregnancy, thought I was going to miscarry so i didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. Turns out, that was a side effect of the endometriosis that hadn’t been diagnosed at that point. Anyway, Braxton Hicks started at 29 weeks and I had to give up on everything except yoga. It felt like a death sentence, but I reminded myself that it’s only for a short period of time and the pay off is great. Even with the slower way of life, I still started bleeding around 36 weeks, ended up giving birth at 38 weeks, but there’s nothing “normal” about a pregnancy. Just take it easy, enjoy your “rest” time now, because once the little guy arrives, you’ll be go-go-go! for the next 18 years!!!
Stay well!!
This experience of yours is very typical of life with children. Our plans and intentions are often thrown out the window for our children’s needs. The crazy part is that it is so worth it 🙂 Hope you find a way to be at peace with it now and enjoy the last few weeks of life as you know it.
Oh man, this must be so hard for you! I am so relieved that you amd the baby are healthy and well.
Your job is crazy intense- and it will still be there when you are ready to return. Your new job is taking care of yourself and the baby- and you’re going to be amazing at this new job too 🙂
As above comment mentioned be sure to file for state disability, it may help cushion the financial blow.
Oh, I know how hard it is. You’re doing the right thing for your body and your baby. One of the toughest things about being a mom is letting go. Don’t worry — everything will fall into place. Just follow your heart and your body’s wisdom. I JUST wrote a blog post about having to scale back on my yoga after my new baby was born (www.nursememama.com). Some similar feelings, I think.
Also, have you tried hummus without the chickpeas? The other night, I put tahini, garlic infused oil, lemon juice, cumin, and salt into the food processor. Totally delicious, and no FODMAPS!
Ah, so sorry you are feeling so stressed and anxious! But hopefully, now that you’ve made the decision to go on leave- and consulted with your family, your doctor, your job- you will feel more peace of mind. And as for finances, I feel your pain- I too will leave my job soon, with no income for 16 months. It’s scary, though different from your situation obviously. Anyway, just wanted to say kudos for putting your health and your son’s health first. Big hug!
🙂 you made the right, albeit incredibly difficult, decision. so long as that little one comes out healthy and happy! feel well soon!
This might not be your thing, but thought I’d throw it out there. Have you thought about offering a service, like a life coach, but more in line with HHH readers. You have an amazing community that loves you and would happily pay you for your advice. Maybe even an ebook of your favorite veg/health/life tips. Would be helpful to others and bring in extra cash to get you through this extra time.
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I’ve actually been thinking about a similar idea Krystle. maybe not so much life coaching but some sort of food planning/menu prep/shopping service. im not sure if its going to happen or not, but its fun to plan and conceptualize for right now.