I LOVE love LOVE you all so much for the overwhelmingly thoughtful comments you flooded me with yesterday.
I wanted to hug each and every person who took the time to comment for their kind words. It feels so impersonal to write this here given the nature of the sentiments but I couldn’t be more appreciative of all who offered their thoughts, prayers, advice, email addresses, cell phone numbers, and time. Such outreach from virtual strangers is immensely heartwarming. It made the day light-years better from the previous ones, too.
Taking all your comments to heart, I did a lot of thinking yesterday. Usually my subway rides home from work are spent zoning out (or brainstorming what to eat for dinner), but yesterday I did some real soul searching. Thank you local train for the extra 5 stops (read: extra 10 minutes of enlightenment).
While I don’t want to oversimplify a more complex issue, what it comes down to is how the East Coast weather has affected me.
I consider myself a positive person. Despite my (rather thick) sense of sarcasm, I’m a glass-half-full girl, and I believe in living a life filled with joy and the pursuit of happiness. This isn’t something superficial that I have to put on a front about, I’m just a genuinely happy person. Knowing that, I bring my upbeat attitude with me to work on a daily basis because it’s important for patients to see. Smiling is infectious, and it’s a far better thing to spread in the hospital than, oh say, C. diff. Lately, however, the weather has gotten to me, and I feel like I have been using up all my cheery disposition on my patients…and by the 13th hour of the day my positivity has run out. I know it’s important to be a shining beacon of hope for my patients, and it’s one of the things that I get praised for the most by them and/or their family members, but at the same time, a girl’s gotta look out for herself too. In the past few days, my high stress job has seemingly sucked all the life out of me, and as a result, I’m left feeling cranky and irritated without the proper mechanism for coping. Usually running (outside) is my release, but the 20 degree weather has put a bit of a damper on that approach. I know their are other healthy ways to handle stress, it’s just hard when my favorite option is not readily available.
Another aspect of my personality that seems to have been muted while living on the East Coast is my flexibility. Stereotypes aside, the fact of the matter is that the West Coast lifestyle is more laid back and New York is much more go go go. As a (type-A) person who thrives in such high stress environments (hello, I’m an ICU nurse), this isn’t exactly a bad thing. However, once my shift ends, I’d like to be able to return to my former easy-going, relaxed, hippie self. I don’t want to turn into a hard New Yorker, and yet, I’ve found myself sprinting to the subway, irrationally annoyed when I miss a train because of the crowds. Again, I hate to generalize, but it seems like people in New York need things done now 10 minutes ago. If a patient’s life is on the line, sure, that makes sense, but if it’s a dinner reservation or a Starbucks order, I’m not sure it’s really necessary…I don’t like the feeling of living for my paycheck – working through my 20’s just to be able to afford my pint-sized Manhattan apartment.
This got me thinking about PREPARING (to live) vs. (actually) LIVING. Since being in New York, I feel like I spend my days off preparing for work, and when I work, I’m just preparing for my future. Work. Work. Work. Make $$, save $$, make more $$. But what about enjoying the fruits of my labor? When I go home, I seem to have no problem with this, but in New York I’m all too aware of how I spend my money. I can talk myself out of doing anything if it involves my hard earned cash…
Well, this is where I’m going to be making some changes. Thanks to your comments, I’ve realized I need to cut myself a little slack. The stress of my job, the weather, and much much more has overflowed into areas of my life (where I don’t want it) – and I refuse to let this control my emotional state!
That said, I will be taking a bit of “me” time away from blogging for a bit. Massages, mani/pedis, Vitamin D(?), etc. are in my future. Thank you all for your support and kind words of wisdom.
I leave you with yesterday’s work eats:
I finally realized what these chocolate coffee Jocalat bars remind me of…the chocolate Amazing Grass bars!
The Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal was tasty. The bites look like mini-puffins, but taste like honey bunches of oats in a easy-to-pop-in-your-mouth form.
The Lemon Zest mini-Luna bar should be called lemon zing because it’s SO friggin’ tart; not my fave flavor. Good thing I had my trusty Odwalla nearby to rescue my taste buds.
The above salad was far bigger than it looks in the photo. Underneath the shrooms and raisins were steamed veggies galore (carrots, butternut squash) plus spinach, and cherry tomatoes.
After I took the initial lunch photo, I realized it wasn’t enough food and made the above corn/edamame salad. The only dressing on it was Bragg’s liquid aminos and it was way YUM. I also continued my Starbucks via habit, this time with the Colombia flavor. I liked the Italian Roast (red packet) better.
And with that, I bid you all adieu for a little bit.
I think we oculd all use some extra long train rides for a little self-reflection. Your self-awareness is awe inspiring, girl, and I agree with you 110%. I can’t imagine how overwhelming The pressure to constantly remain positive and optimistic for others is … and it’s so important that you reserve some of that happiness for yourself 🙂 xo love ya sweetums!
Take all the rest you need, and we will be here when you’re back 🙂 Reach out if you need it! xoxo
love! i missed yesterdays post so i’ll just leave my thoughts and ramblings here:
1. you are an ICU nurse. do you realize how many people would not survive a day doing what you do? the fact that you CAN bring positivity to the job 100% of the time absolutely amazes me. you’re saving people’s lives. that is one of the most selfless and incredible things i can even put into words.
2. you put your patients first every single day. you need to make sure that your time away from the hospital is spent on making YOURSELF A PRIORITY. force yourself to de-stress. bubble baths. books. blogs. the boy. just fit in everything that makes you the happiest hippie possible.
3. realize that nothing in life is concrete. if things are getting to the point where you cannot simply be happy in your current environment, it’s time to make moves. ICU nurses are needed and wanted all over the country (and world!) and there’s no saying you can’t relocate and live the life you always dreamed of… ya know?
keep on keepin’ on… we’re all here for you! and we’ve all felt this way at some point about something in our lives. you’re not alone! <3
Good to hear that you’re listening to yourself. Take that time and use it to make yourself happy! Its all about your personal happiness lad!y!! The pressure to be happy all the time is strenuous, we all need a break every once in awhile 🙂 own it girlll
Soak up all this Hippie time because you deserve it and let me know if you need company for one of those manicures or massages 😉
I’ve noticed the same thing about New York—it’s so easy to sucked into the “needed it 10 minutes ago” mentality and I’ve started snapping myself out of it recently. For example, I was waiting for my Friday latte this morning in ‘Bucks and I suddenly realized my entire body was tense and I was frowning because I was being made to wait longer than normal. I took two deep breaths, shrugged the stress out of my shoulders and reminded myself that it’s just a coffee and the baristas were clearly overwhelmed so I should have some patience and compassion! And when I smiled and thanked the girl for my coffee, she smiled back. Totally made my morning!
You described my feelings perfectly with the preparing vs. living… I wonder if it really is a geographic thing?!
Either way, enjoy your “me” time! The weather sucks, yeah, but it doesn’t have to suck all the happiness out of your life if you don’t let it do that.
<3 <3
Hi!! I’ve been following your blog for about a month now and I’ve found it to be one of my favorites that I follow.
I admire you for being so brave as to move out to NYC to work as an ICU nurse. We also eat about the same amount and kinds of food and love to work out 🙂 (i.e. Odwalla/Luna/Lara bars + fruits and veg galore with a little pizazz of dressing for flavor)
I’m a student and feel stressed, as this – my junior year- has turned out to be the hardest so far. Between classes, work, and working out I feel as if I’m running around all day too.
I want to encourage you to try to keep up that sunny personality! It’s near impossible to be glass-half-full in East Coast winters, let alone in NYC, so I agree that you should cut yourself some slack. Crying can be such a release and it’s completely human!
As far as keeping your spirits up what helps me the most is having some sort of meditation in my life. Music, prayer, yoga, ect. Best of luck!!
Enjoy your blog hiatus, and all of your much-deserved “you time” (throw a massage in there while you’re at it!)
We will miss you, but look forward to hearing from the Happy Happy Hippie on you return!
-Meghan
http://www.bellabroccoli.wordpress.com
enjoy your rest timei- you deserve it & need to take care of yourself 🙂 it is totally understandable that sometimes you won’t feel 100%, and that is ok.
xoxoo
shelley
http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com
Definitely take time for yourself! It may be an only child thing but I’m a firm believer in putting yourself first – if you’re not happy, you’re the one who has to deal/live with it. Living in an unhappy state isn’t fun! Do what you need to do to make yourself feel happier and screw everything else. Enjoy your blogging break but you know I’ll miss you! I’ll be counting down the days until my hummus loving blogger is back in action 🙂
xoxoxoxooxo!!!
didnt get to comment yesterday, as i’m catching up today…
girl, do what you gotta do! we adore you and this blog, and just wanna see you get back to where you feel comfortable and happy. weather can totally do a number on us, and obviously so can the city/environment. its a-ok to feel that way, as i have, and many, in the past, or now. support is here, whenever you need it!
we’ll be here (i’ll be your first reader!) when you return. you rock 🙂
Just do whatcha gotta do girl!! The glass half-full, upbeat, hard-working but hippie Elise sounds like an amazing girl! Get her back, and don’t let NY crazinesss bring ya down!!
XOXOXOX, ENJOY SOME NICE R&R this week (with lots of hummus and apples in between) !! 🙂
I love your plan!
The NYC is tough – no joke. I only lived in the city 2 years and found myself with all sorts of weird new “symptoms.”
There was a bus stop outside my door and from a block away I could see people standing in MY over-priced doorway SMOKING while they waited for the bus, and I would get sooooo pissed off knowing that in 5 minutes I was going to have to walk through their smoke cloud to get upstairs.
It’s just a tough place to live and you definitely have to give yourself a break on that, besides the fact that you have an incredibly stressful job. But the world really is your oyster and no one said you had to live there forever.
We will always be here ready to “hear” you after your manis and massages!
Elise, I swear you could have just been describing the last 3 months of my life. While I don’t live in new york…I have the same sentiments about stress, weather, PREPARING for a life instead of living it. I’m actually making myself physically sick form the stress and it’s no bueno. It’s hard for type A’s like me to relax, but like you said – I think it’s crucial. Especially since i used up my happieness at work – and then I’m a monster when I get home…poor husband. Thanks for your reflections – you have no idea how much light it shed on my current state of mind. I adore you – and you just take as much time as you need (although, you will be missed. :-))
So sorry you’ve been feeling this way – I highly recommend the break from blogging. I was feeling stressed and highly strung and like I had no time for my boy or friends and then I realised that once I got home and had dinner I was spending the next hour or two blogging and reading blogs. Hello real world! Blogging is awesome but it’s not life and sometimes it stops you relaxing/enjoying life as much as you’d like.
Enjoy some time off. Mani/pedis sound FABULOUS. xx
Big ups Big E! Enjoy them mani/pedis! If I can, I’ll bottle up some L.A. sunshine and send it to you for some extra Vitamin D. =) Besos mi amor!
I’m so glad that you have an action plan for how to keep yourself sane! I have a lot of friends that work in the health care industry and I think that it’s pretty common for them to get burned out, too, because of all they give at work. I know that your emotions go beyond just work but hang in there, give yourself some slack, like you said…and cherish yourself! Cherish yourself for the wonderful, intelligent, funny, gorgeous, compassionate, generous woman you are!
you do your thang girl 🙂 you know we’ll all be here when you get back. i think the solution to your problem should start tomorrow with several things:
1. sleep late but not too late
2. book an appointment for a massage/mani pedi, etc.
3. make sure you are done by 1:30
4. meet kyle at a sports bar, have many a b minuses and watch the jets rip the bengals a new one.
5. end the night at pure food & wine
6. don’t end the night.
muchos love to you 🙂 and bbm hugs whenever you need them!
elise! i just went back and read your last post, and boy, can i identify!!! i am a generally happy person, but every once in awhile, life builds up and just bursts out. in the form of tears. i am SO GLAD you are taking time to relax, chill and just cut yourself some slack. we all need to do this. running around crazy is not going to make us happier and isn’t going to benefit anyone else either.
take care of yoself, primp those toes, watch a movie in bed and RELAX! sending you lots of love, good karma and everythang. love ya 🙂
I am in such admiration of your ability to know what you need to do to feel better! This is such an essential life skill!
You bring so much to the lives of others and the best way to continue doing that (as cliche as it may sound) is to put yourself first.
On a completely unrelated not, I saw this story and thought of you (hope that isn’t weird!): http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/01/07/hummus.wars/
hahahah, this is the best article ever!!! thanks for sending it my way! i swear food (particularly hummus) could easily end world wars. if i were a beauty pageant contestant THAT would be my answer to the world peace question.
Love you, lady! Enjoy your vacay. Blogging shouldn’t be an added stress!
Take as much time as you need away from the blogging world! I hope you figure everything out!!
Jenna
Hugs Elise. Working in a hospital is so stressful, I am still a student but I know what you mean by the whole preparing for work when you’re off work and then being at work and it seems like a never ending cycle sometimes. Enjoy your blogging time off, but I’ll miss your posts until you’re back!
i’m glad to hear that you’re feeling a bit better and you have decided to take a rest and pamper yourself! a girl needs that in her life sometimes 🙂 i will miss reading your blog though, and i look forward to your return!
p.s. how ironic is it that i spent my entire class period today in medical sciences talking about c. diff? hahaha it’s so GROSS AHHH…i hope i never see it, or smell it for that matter m:)
♥ lindsey
are those instant coffee things worth buying?
LOVE YOU E!!! happy friday!
on your days off, how about treating yourself to breakfast at a vegan bakery and a matinee?! or a broadway show (1/2 price tickets you buy that morning)? take care!
amy from los angeles
Sounds like you’ve done some good pondering. I totally hear you on the preparing vs. living issue. One of my resolutions this year is to live in the present rather than worry about the future (or gripe about the past). I think life will be so much sweeter once I actually appreciate it as it is happening.
We’re really laid back in Indiana. Bonus, everything is cheap.
Our veggies look sad now and the land is pretty flat. I’d rather be on the west coast myself 🙂
Enjoy your me time! Blogland will always be here.
I’m glad your finally going to take your much needed alone time- I will be looking forward to your return! Take care- it can be tough being an East Coast girl… but it gets better soon I promise!
Hey Elise, just a quick hello to say this was beautifully articulated. And I hope you’re having a CHILL weekend 🙂
xoxo
I don’t have that much to say, inspirationally that is, but I feel your pain. <3
I'm from the Philippines/ California but live in MA now (at boarding school) and the weather/ lack of sun often gets me down.
Last year I didn't realize how much it affected me because I would just eat tons of chocolate to ignore it 😛 THIS year I've made a vow to ENJOY the winter for what it's worth because…
a) it only lasts a few months
b) snow can be FUN to play in
c) it's beautiful
d) unlike our predecessors, we have working heat indoors and plenty of hot water for showers, etc
e) I won't be living here forever
Also, whenever I'm feeling down, I try to journal/ paint…blogs are great but sometimes something a little more private can be really helpful and if I look at a journal a week later, sometimes I can identify a mood that I previously had no idea about…or was in denial about.
What an amazing post; you are so strong…I’m so proud of you! Congrats and enjoy yourself….I look forward to your return, but you must be sure to care for yourself and put your happiness above anything! Enjoy your time off and pampering!!!!
Have a great day!
Enjoy your break!
missing your posts (A LOT) but so happy you are taking time for yourself. You deserve it! Much love and support from a fellow ICU nurse 🙂
Oh darlin’. I’m pretty sure I know what you’re talking about. I’m the only one who knows exactly how many tears I’ve shed for “no reason” over the past 1.5 years. It’s too many (mostly because it’s more than 1). NYC is rough, there’s no denying, and I’m even born and bred in this neck of the woods. Take all the time off you need! We’ll still be here. 🙂
Oh yeah. you nailed it. I’m from the east coast, and I was surprised by the more laid back attitude in west coast, too. I can only imagine how much the east coast stressful, ambititious environment is affecting you.
When things squeeze us on all sides, it’s hard to stay positive, but I think you’ve already got SUCH a great attitude. In fact, that preparing vs. living theory? I’ve thought about it many, many times myself, and I can’t agree with you more that life isn’t about PREPARING to live life, it’s about enjoying every single moment of it, whether it’s talking to a friend, or going to work, or even dealing with a small drama in life.
Great post!
Seriously everyone is more eloquent than me 😀 BUT i can relate to you 110%, and sometimes you just need to cry/vent/bitch…and you don’t NEED a “reason”!!! For me it’s just a compilation of things, and the pressure to keep it all in and look together- and it just snaps! I have the same financial issues once I come back to Boston, aka tightwad central, but i can’t do that to the point where I’m sacrificing my happiness and depriving myself. Being a grown up is hard :o/ Take all the time you need love and LIVE your life!!!! LUh u!! oxxxoox
What’s edamame?
Any ways I’d like to throw in my support cause spring will come undoubtedly.
You’re the best hungry, hungry hippie in the world! Take all the break you need! Can’t wait for August 🙂
I just discovered your blog, and how ironic that this was the first post I read! I moved to NYC this year for school, and I can absolutely relate to how you feel. The city has a way of chewing you up and spitting you back out again, and there aren’t many breaks from the constant rush. Winter is tough, espescially. It’s okay to vent, and it seems like you have a good mindset about LIVING! Take all the time you need 🙂
Sorry I’m catching up on posts, and my Google Reader says you have already returned, but I just wanted to leave a note here…I’m so glad you had a chance to really think through things. It’s clear you know what kind of life makes you happiest, and that you have identified what aspects of East Coast are just not suiting you personally. That’s huge! Most people have no idea how to find what makes them happy.
I hope you continuing digging deep for that happy hippie self 🙂
soybeans!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edamame
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Dear writer…this is my first time visiting your blog and I made the spinach recipe and I loved it…now reading this article I noticed your odwalla bar and I wanted to let you know that odwalla is a coke product. I, myself recently found out that odwalla juice is a coke product and like all the bottle juices that one buys (all of them) the juice is pasteurized. I am not trying to be negative, just passing on some info. We eat Raw Revolution bars which are very good and not owned by coke 🙂
hi veronica! thanks for the comment and im glad you found my blog. this post is from january 2010…since which ive removed almost all processed bars (including odwalla) from my diet.
i do still eat larabars, which was recently bought by general mills.